Importance of Understanding Your Partner’s Love Language
By Aisha M Auyo
Love, it is popularly said, makes the world go round. This, simply implies that the presence of love engenders harmony, peace and tranquility in the relationship among people.
As the nucleus of the family which in turn, is the pivot of the human society, it is very important that, true or genuine love exist between the two people who live together as a couple as in husband and wife.
Do you know the concept of love language? Do you know your love language? Do you know your partner’s love language?
Knowing about these will solve most of the issues that usually rock marriages as well as our relationship with others.
Love language is defined as a person’s characteristic means of showing affection or care for another.
It can also be portrayed as a way that a person prefers to express love to—and receive it from—a partner.
If you are in doubt if your partner still loves you, know that you are not alone. The fact is, you might be speaking a different love language from that of your partner.
The concept of love languages was created by relationship expert, Dr. Gary Chapman in his book, “The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts.”
The book explains that to ensure a healthy relationship, it is important to identify and use your partner’s love language. This will help get rid of any miscommunication and also, allow for a more understanding, harmonious couple.
To help you on the road to a healthier relationship, following are some points to know about love languages.
There are five types of love language:
1. Words of affirmation.
When words of affirmation are your love language, words build you up. You thrive on spoken affection, praise, encouragement, and compliments. Harsh words and criticism irk and can bother you for a long time.
2. Acts of Service.
As a woman, anything that your partner does willingly to ease your workload is a sign of love to you. You feel cared for when, for instance, your partner vacuums before you get to it or makes you breakfast as a surprise. On the other hand, broken promises or laziness can make you feel unimportant.
3. Receiving gifts.
When you speak this love language, a thoughtful (special) gift shows you that you are special. In contrast, generic gifts and forgotten special events have the opposite effect. This love language is not necessarily materialistic – it could be as simple as receiving your favorite snack after a bad day.
4. Quality time.
To you, nothing says you’re loved like undivided attention. When your partner is truly present (and not looking at their phone), it makes you feel important. Failure to actively listen or long periods without one-on-one time can make you feel unloved.
5. Physical touch.
Holding hands, kisses, hugs, and other tenderly touches are your preferred way to show and receive love. Appropriate touches convey warmth and safety, while physical neglect can drive a wedge between you and your partner.
In general, men are people of action, while women thrive on words. If a woman disrespects a man, doesn’t obey his orders, or talks to him disparagingly, it is usually very difficult to convince that man that she loves him, even if she does.
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If as a man, you spend time, resources, and efforts to màake life easier for a woman and make no effort to tell her sweet nonsense, trust me, you may not win her heart. On the other hand, a playboy, with few spoken words like, ‘I love you’ or, ‘you’re beautiful’, will win her heart in no time.
Although some women may be materialistic and prefer gifts and money, some men too, may prefer a voluptuous or sophisticated woman, to a submissive uneducated one. The examples are endless.
How love languages can improve your relationships
Most of us have one or two preferred love languages – often different than our significant other’s. If you express your love through your preferred love language, the chances are that it goes unnoticed by your partner.
For example, if your love language is gifts, and you often surprise your partner with thoughtful gifts, how does it make you feel when they just have a quick look at your thoughtful present? Meanwhile, your partner hardly values gifts but appreciates acts of service.
It would mean the world to them if you did chores around the house instead of buying gifts. So you and your partner in this scenario won’t feel that you’re being loved, as there is a difference between what one gives, and what the other wants to receive.
Lots of women complain that their men are not romantic: no hugs, pecks, and holding hands. Some of them frown at their women when they initiate any of these gestures.
Some men find it hard to vocalize their feelings, “those I love you”, “I miss you”, “you’re beautiful”, “you smell nice”, appear to be very difficult for some men. “Allah Yayi miki albarka” is difficult for some men. The issue here is that of a difference in love language between the couples.
If these men go out of their way to provide for the family, to make you comfortable, then to them, they’re communicating that they love you. If your man has an interest in what you do, listen to your small and big talks, even if he doesn’t say a word, it means he cares about you.
My sister, if your man hardly comments about your dressings or outfits, it means he values your character and personality more than your looks. But If he’s so inclined to your physical appearance, it means you should pay much more attention to how you look than how you behave.
My brother, I know it’s a man’s nature not to vocalize what you feel, but your woman needs to know what your love language is, to be able to please you. Know your love language and communicate it accordingly. Also, try and know hers.
Some women love gifts, but this doesn’t mean she’s materialistic. Even if it’s something small, it’s the thought that matters to her. She will be happy and submissive.
Some women love to hear sweet nonsense. This kind of women do not care about your gift as much as they care about your attention and affection. If your woman is of this type, men, your wealth or gift will not mean that much to her. Lack of attention makes her feel unloved.
In conclusion, learning to speak your partner’s preferred language can drastically strengthen your relationship. Relate with your partner in their love language, not yours, for a better and more fulfilling relationship. Let me stop here.
Aisha Musa Auyo is a Doctorate researcher in Educational Psychology, a wife, a mother of three, a Home Maker, a chef, and a parenting/ relationship coach. She can be reached via [email protected].
